The skill of ejaculation control
In the end, you are going to have to learn how to control your arousal and your ejaculation. Though this requires some commitment, it’s not the kind of work that is difficult, unappealing or boring! In fact, it can be good for a couple who do these exercises together – it can bring you much closer, and you can experience new levels of intimacy.
And if a woman is fulfilled by experiencing cuddles, closeness, and perhaps an orgasm through oral sex before you begin, she is likely to be helpful and supportive. As a man you may have to realize that this is not, for once, a problem you can solve on your own – after all, it’s your partner’s vagina where you prematurely ejaculate, and you need your partner’s support, not to mention the use of her vagina, to learn how to control it. Communication and love (or at least mutual respect and a feeling you’re going for the same end point) are important here.
If you are having difficulty getting an erection, you might like to review our book on erection problems before you deal with your premature ejaculation.
Learning how not to come quickly
The way you can learn to control your ejaculation is described below as a couple might do it. But up to step 3 you can actually do this training on your own. It might even be helpful to do that, because then you can really focus on your body and what you’re feeling, and learn just what it feels like as you approach the point where your ejaculation is inevitable.
Remember that the whole idea is to learn how your body feels as you get more and more aroused. Learning how it feels as you approach the point where it’s inevitable you’re going to ejaculate, and being aware as you approach this point during sex, means that you can do something to stop or halt the increasing arousal before you lose control! If you ejaculate, you didn’t stop soon enough!
Begin each session with gentle touching and caressing. There are plenty of ideas in the yellow text box above about how to do this. You might ask your partner if she wants this to develop into sex play so she can come before you do the exercises themselves. If not, give her the chance to come afterwards – offer to masturbate her or give her oral sex so she can enjoy her orgasm too. This way you’ll be making sure that both your sexual needs and her needs for affection and sex are satisfied at some point in each session.
And don’t forget this can all be light-hearted and fun. Sex is always better if you can laugh about it and enjoy it in a relaxed way.
A sequence of exercises to control premature ejaculation
Lie down on your back next to your partner, both of you naked. She needs to be in a position where she is comfortable and she can masturbate you comfortably. Begin by having your partner gently touch and caress your whole body. She can caress and kiss any part of you with her hands, lips and tongue. Relax and enjoy the sensations.
1 Lie down on your back next to your partner, both of you naked and comfortable. Begin by having your partner gently touch, kiss and caress your whole body with her hands, lips and tongue. Relax and enjoy the sensations.
2 When you have a good erection, close your eyes, and ask her to begin masturbating your penis. If you need lubrication to make this comfortable use her saliva. No oral sex.
You need to concentrate on your arousal – not just the pleasure you’re feeling. If you concentrate on the pleasure, you’re likely to get swept away in the rush to orgasm, and that’s not the idea! The idea is to stop your partner masturbating you before you get to the point where you will have no choice but to come.
As she masturbates you, lie still. Don’t let your mind wander off onto sexual thoughts or imagery – keep focusing on how aroused you are. As you approach the point of no return you have to judge when to tell your partner to stop what she’s doing. Obviously if you begin to ejaculate you’ve gone too far! You need to feel your arousal rising, and tell your partner to stop while it’s under your control.
At the point where you tell her to stop, she will lie back and wait for your arousal to decrease.
Obviously if you begin to ejaculate you’ve gone too far! You need to feel your arousal rising, and tell your partner to stop while it’s under your control.However, if you begin to lose your erection, then your arousal has probably declined a bit too much.
You can feel this happening – as you relax, your desire to ejaculate and the feeling of needing to come will decrease. If you’ve been a premature ejaculator for a while, it may take some time – a few minutes – for your arousal to decrease to the level where she can touch your penis again without any danger of you coming.
However, if you begin to lose your erection, then your arousal has probably declined a bit too much. If you lose your erection, try reading this website.
It’s your responsibility to get this right, and you may have to practice a few times before you can judge it correctly. But once you feel your arousal has decreased to the appropriate level, tell her to start masturbating you again.
She needs to use minimum effort, with slow strokes, and as little lube as possible. Stay relaxed – muscle tension will increase your arousal. If you feel yourself tensing up, consciously relax your body. This may go against the habits of a lifetime if you’ve been used to getting off as quickly as possible. You just have to be disciplined. Be a man! The whole point of this is to give you better staying power, not to indulge your own selfish pleasure. So don’t ejaculate! (But if you genuinely misjudge it, don’t be hard on yourself. Just do it better next time.)
Go through this process 4 or 5 times before you continue to orgasm and ejaculation. As you let her take you over the top, try and focus on your internal experience so that you know the difference between how it feels to be in control and how it feels to know you are going for the pleasure of your orgasm.
Don’t have intercourse, but do allow yourself the pleasure of orgasm each time you practice this complete sequence – say 2 or 3 times a week for 3 weeks. If your partner can’t make it, do it on your own. And make sure she is sexually fulfilled with oral sex or masturbation.
The longer you practice, the better lover you’ll be. So how much do you want to improve?
We conclude our series of articles on premature ejaculation in the next piece.