What about the woman’s experience?
For the female partner, quick ejaculation may be frustrating, especially if she thinks she might have an orgasm through intercourse if only her man could thrust for long enough! This may produce conflict, though couples may choose to deal with premature ejaculation by ensuring that the woman has one or more orgasms through oral sex or masturbation before her man enters her.
This will mean that no matter how quickly he comes, they are both satisfied. And if the partners embrace and cuddle afterwards, they can still enjoy wonderful feelings of closeness and love. It’s also important to remember that for some couples, premature ejaculation is not a problem – in which case it probably isn’t “premature”, it’s fine! But a lot of couples want to be able to control their lovemaking, and both the man and the woman may be keen to see the man last longer.
Things to understand about premature ejaculation
Sometimes a woman finds it hard to understand why a guy cannot control his orgasm. She may even think it means her man doesn’t love her! She may think he doesn’t care, or that he’s just being selfish. (See more about this here.) Even when she genuinely doesn’t mind, and simply wants him to be happy by being able to enjoy vaginal thrusting for longer, he may interpret what she says as meaning she really didn’t enjoy sex very much because he came too soon.
And of course if a man feels badly about coming too soon, he may be angry with himself and lose the special connection with his partner that the couple had established during the early stages of their lovemaking. She may then feel rejected and hurt.
So, if any of this is happening to you or your partner, now’s the time to talk about it, and to understand that it isn’t anybody’s fault, nor is it personal.
Even though your sex life isn’t what you’d like it to be, you can still have fun, laugh, and reach orgasm through masturbation or oral sex. And kissing, cuddling and holding each other are still fun and enjoyable things to do even if you ejaculate after two thrusts in her vagina!
Share with each other how you feel about it. You, as the man, can tell her how it makes you feel, and she can explain how she sees it. Then, being open and honest with each other, you can go to work on the problem together – without resentment or blame!
And, by the way, many women are upset about their guy’s premature ejaculation because they simply enjoy the sensation of having him inside her, and his coming quickly deprives her of this sensation. So, if your partner finds penetration rewarding, then you can try putting your erect penis into her vagina without moving or thrusting, and in this way enjoy being close for quite a long time.
It really doesn’t take that much effort to resist the temptation to thrust, and by hugging each other close as you do this, the woman may get great satisfaction and feel very loved. Obviously this idea can avoid the problem of you not being in her for very long before you come. Try it and see if it helps. But in the end you will probably want to become a longer lasting lover by using the exercises lower down this page!
By the way, it’s normal for guys to come more quickly with one woman than another: usually a man comes more quickly with an aroused, passionate and exciting lover, because a woman’s arousal is a real turn-on for him. And, as you probably know, a man can usually last much longer when his partner gives him oral sex. It’s also very common for a man to ejaculate quicker if he’s not having sex very often or if he’s seeing his partner relatively infrequently. More about this here.
The male sexual response – learning to last longer
If you’re now scratching your head in bewilderment, and wondering how a man can possibly control when he comes, think of masturbation. You can almost certainly choose how quickly you ejaculate when you masturbate – or, at the very least, you’ll have more control over how quickly you come.
If you have an erection problem
This book on controlling erectile dysfunction will show you how to gain enough control over your erection be able to make love successfully.
If you simply want to control premature ejaculation
A great place to start is with an understanding of the normal “cycle” of male sexual arousal. This has four parts to it: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. (I promise you that reading all this will be helpful in learning to control your ejaculation, so be patient! The methods you can use to control premature ejaculation come later. Pun intended!)
Excitement
The road to orgasm begins with some stimulation which increases sexual arousal in your mind and body. In your mind, you begin to feel horny; in your body, you get an erection. In men there may also be an increase in muscle tension, flushing of the skin and erection of the nipples. Although you might not be aware of it, your testicles swell up, your scrotum tightens, and your penis begins to seep a lubricating fluid which is designed to lubricate the movement of the foreskin over the glans: this liquid is known as “pre-cum”, and it can be an exciting sexual stimulant in its own right – certainly as exciting as the lubrication which a woman produces from her vagina when she is entering her phase of sexual excitement.
Assuming that your penis is engorged with blood, and your erection is hard and firm, or, if you are middle-aged or older, perhaps slightly less firm than it once was, you’re well into the phase of sexual excitement. This can last for hours, although it is likely that a man who’s excited but doesn’t have an orgasm will lose his erection after a while. It’s possible that a young man’s arousal or excitement will become so intense that he spontaneously ejaculates.
The excitement phase of sexual arousal can be a rewarding experience even if it doesn’t progress to orgasm, because your brain is producing endorphins, which are the body’s own natural morphine-like pleasure drugs.
What’s more, an erection is pleasant in itself, since it puts pressure on the sensitive parts of the penis head. The longer the excitement phase goes on, the more intense your orgasm will be when you finally come. In fact it’s worth sacrificing the quick pleasure of a rapid orgasm for the greater pleasure achieved when you come after an hour or two’s erection and arousal. This is because the longer the excitement phase lasts, the greater the volume of seminal fluid produced by your prostate and other glands.
When your ejaculation does occur, this greater volume of fluid will produce more intense and pleasurable contractions – as well as an impressive shower of ejaculate! My experience is that no matter how satisfying a quickly attained orgasm can be, an hour or two spent cuddling and kissing and enjoying foreplay will actually make things better for the man as well as the woman (who generally needs much more romantic foreplay to get to the same level of arousal as her man anyway) because as well as producing a much more intense orgasm, the volume of fluid ejaculated will be much greater.
Plateau
The plateau phase is simply the name used to refer to the period while sexual arousal or excitement continues but before orgasm has happened. Assuming that sexual stimulation and arousal continues (or increases) so much as to lead to an orgasm and – intentionally or not – an ejaculation, there’s a point just before a man ejaculates called “the point of ejaculatory inevitability”: this is the moment when semen is moved from the seminal vesicles and prostate into the base of the penis ready to be ejaculated.
You know this experience – it’s the moment when you know for sure that you’re going to come and nothing, but nothing, will stop it! If you are in control of your ejaculation, it’s a glorious moment, during which time seems to stand still for an instant before the contractions of ejaculation shoot your semen out of your penis. If you’re not in control it’s likely to be a moment just long enough for you to mutter or groan or shout “Oh shit!” before you shoot your load – much to you and your partner’s disappointment!
This is where there’s a difference between premature ejaculators and those who can last longer: men with ejaculatory control can stay on the plateau phase longer, and they recognize sooner the feelings they get when they approach the moment of ejaculatory inevitability on the road to orgasm.
This enables them to reduce their stimulation, lower their arousal, slow down the rate at which they approach orgasm and so stay on the pre-ejaculatory phase of their sexual response. In other words, they don’t orgasm or ejaculate uncontrollably. This is illustrated on the graph below.
In our next post we look at the other stages of orgasm.